I'm empty. That's really the way I feel, I'm empty, my brain is empty. I am no longer able to think and write, I struggle with focusing on something, I do not have interest anymore in doing my homework for school - that may seem weird to you but I have always thought I'd write, read and have pleasure going to school all my life. That scares me because I don't think I am able to do anything else; I have always thought that I'd choose my job and love it and it would never bore me, but maybe I should think about a repetitive job, something that does not ask me to think.
I used to be very, very sad, and that also helped me writing and feeling alive, because at least I was feeling something. And maybe I am struggling because during the last six years I was sad and angry - I had negative emotions but they were still emotions. Maybe that now that I have recovered in a way from a kind of trauma, I have no major reason to be sad and angry and I don't know how to feel and what to do because I had focused on it for so many years.
Maybe it's tiredness too, that makes me feel empty. Maybe I don't read the Bible enough, maybe I'm just lazy, maybe I just imagined things that will never happen and that I don't want to abandon.
But fortunately there are still people at school asking me to write, and telling me I'm still quite good at it, there are still people including me in their projects even if it frightens me, there is still my hope that the fog in my head will one day disappear and make everything clear, there are still some friends talking to me, there is still poetry (Eluard is my new love) there is still my family, my church, and the kids from my church that are so cute, there is still the project of creating a little play for December and a new role for me in my drama class, and so much things helping me forget that when I'm alone there is silence and a big blank space in my head.
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