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17.11.21
Feelings are gone.
What do I feel?
Fear.
I draw limits. No more crime series. Very few violence on screen. Age limit is under 10.
I draw limits. No alcohol, never ever ever.
I draw limits. Never more than one day alone without going out for a walk.
My aunt asked me, but what do you do of all that time off?
I don't know. I think it's a mess. I think I do nothing. I think I'm sick.
I seek reassurance and comfort. It's hard to be alone and I haven't managed to stay there for a whole weekend.
I want the fire lit up in the chimney and the smell of cookies coming from the kitchen. I want a bed in a house where I'm not alone and where I am not in charge.
I still get up and go to school but why do I even go.
I'm unsure whether the world will still exist in thirty years.
I cannot imagine what I'd look like in thirty years.
I can't see myself still living in thirty years.
Am I sick?
Pain has come back. There's pain now, I mean real pain, I mean physical pain. I whisper heal me but it feels like there's no ending of it.
I see everyone around me thrive. People my age thrive. They do so well. Their lives have meaning. And they are beautiful and I'm happy for them and I'm not envious I just wish I was doing a quarter as good as they do.
It's not mental pain. It's nothing. It doesn't even exist. Just like that place. Doesn't exist.
I feel like there's a wall somewhere. A plexiglass sheet. How do people even have a life?
A solid transparent sheet that I can't even see but that keeps me from growing up a little more.
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